Clear Passage is Awesome!

Seriously, it is!

For me it was an answer to prayer.

Clear Passage played a big part in our journey down the infertility road.  If you've read our post "Why Adoption?" you know that I got really sick in 2009.  Here are some of my symptoms:

Morning sickness
Pain in my pelvis
Having to pee about every 5 minutes

Crying for no reason
Hungry all the time but can't eat
Always tired
Weight loss
Swollen abdomen

You'd think I was pregnant right...um, no.  Just some of the weird things scar tissue can do to your body.  So, I spent 9 months (ironically) with all of these symptoms.  The pain was so bad that I could barely walk.  I couldn't stand up straight, lay down flat, or sit.  I couldn't hold my nieces and nephews or get down on the floor to play with them.  I had to choose one thing to do a day besides get myself ready for the day because after doing one thing (usually dishes or making dinner) the pain would be so bad I couldn't stand up anymore.  If I did something like teach my dance class or go to the grocery store it would take me a day or two to recover.  I'm usually a pretty active person so laying down on the couch doing nothing about drove me nuts!

It was in an odd way a blessing.  Because I had this pain our insurance covered some exams it normally wouldn't have and we were able to find out why we couldn't get pregnant.  Through these tests we discovered that the same thing that was causing me pain was causing our infertility.

We prayed every day for a miracle to happen.  We received countless priesthood blessings that I would be healed.   We went to several specialists and the only thing they could offer was surgery to remove all of my female organs.  Yikes!  More surgery always means more scar tissue.  Scar tissue is the problem in the first place, why would I want more unless it was at least going to give me a baby?

While we were trying to decide what to do Allan stumbled across Clear Passage.  I am so grateful to have a husband that never gives up.  While he was researching Clear Passage he had a really good feeling about it and was certain that this would work for us.  I prayed about it but I was such an emotional and physical wreck at the time that I couldn't figure out what to think.  I just trusted Allan and let him make the appointment.  In July of 2010 I went to California where the nearest Clear Passage clinic to us is located.  One of my mission companions let us stay with her and her husband!  I really enjoyed catching up with her and she saved us a ton of money.  I will always be very grateful to her for that!

I did 20 hours of therapy in 5 days.  Now, this is not one of those nice massages where you leave feeling relaxed.  They really dig in and it hurts...BAD!  But, after the first session my pain had decreased.  By the end of the week I had:

NO PAIN for the first time in 9 months!
I could stand up straight and actually gained half an inch in height.  I was always exactly 5'2" and now I am proud to say I'm 5'2 1/2"!
 I could walk,sit, and lay down without pain!
My stomach had always been rock solid and I always thought it was because I had great abs, but after Clear Passage I have a softer, more pliable belly, all that rock hardness was just scar tissue. :-/
My right rib has always had really low mobility.  When I would take a deep breath my left rib would extend out like normal, and my right one would pretty much stay where it was.  Now it moves too!  It's made it a lot easier to breath!
I have always been flexible, but I gained more flexibility and can actually do a backbend!  Hadn't been able to do one of those in years!
I had regular bowl movements for the first time in my life! (I'm sure you wanted to know that...)
I could eat meat and other foods that are hard to digest.  Some of these foods I had not eaten in 8-10 years!
My female organs are healthy now (except for the hydrosalpinx), and I no longer have all those weird hormonal pregnancy like symptoms.
My bladder was freed up so now I don't have to pee every 5 minutes! (Hallelujah!)
I had also been having pain in my left foot and leg that I thought was unrelated but that has been significantly better since I went there.
I couldn't go more than 2 days without exercising or I would get a massive headache, now I can go for a week without getting a headache!  (Although I try not to...)
I also gained more mobility in just about every part of my body.  I can jump, run, and dance a lot easier than ever before.

I am still infertile but I no longer have chronic pain.  Clear Passage healed me so that I could care for the children that will hopefully enter my home through adoption.  I am grateful every day for the experience I had with them.  They were great!

Me with my therapist.  She was so fablous!

They also worked well with our non-sufficient student insurance, and half of the cost was covered.  They teach you how to do some of the stuff on your own too so you can continue to heal.  I want to go back and continue the therapy.  There is so much more they could do for me, 27 years of scar tissue doesn't go away in 20 hours of therapy.  It sure did help a lot though.

If you have chronic pain or know someone who does, look into these people.  It will be worth your time.  The infertility stuff obviously didn't work for me but it has for a lot of their patients, and I think is worth looking into if you are suffering from infertility. Here is their video:



Their website is www.clearpassage.com.  Right now they are offering a free treatment if you like them on Facebook.  There is a lot you can do to get entered in multiple times so check it out!

Old Age is Coming Quickly

I spent the first two days of this week without Allan.  He was in Utah helping with a career fair.  I usually travel with him, but since we just came back from Utah, and he was only going to be gone for two days, we thought we'd save some money and leave me at home.

While he was gone I went to a girls night.  I can't remember the last time I went to a girls night...but it was fun.  I got to know some nice women in our ward that I hadn't really met before, and a woman who is not in our ward - but I wish she was because she is absolutely hilarious!  At one point in the evening a couple of the girls started talking about how they are 25 and when they get close to thirty they will feel "SO OLD"!  I about spit my water all over the room because I was trying to hold back my laughter!  I am 29 (very close to 30), I didn't realize I was "SO OLD"!  (LOL!)  This isn't the first time that's happened though and I always get a big kick out of the shock it creates when people learn that I am closer to 30 than 20.  Just in case you were wondering...I don't feel old...I feel about the same way I felt 10 years ago.  It was a fun evening and the girls were very nice; I hope to get to know them better.

Later that week a friend and her little girl were over.  We were making dinner for someone.  The little girl, C, is 3.  My age came up and when C heard that I am 29 she said "Your 29!" with shock written all over her face.  I said "Yep, I'm old huh!"  C frowned and said "No...you're little."  Phew!  If a 3 year old doesn't think I'm old I think I'm safe for a few more years!  That's assuming she meant that I am young and not short!  Haha!

We had a really fun date roasting s'mores up on the mountain again.  We really enjoyed the cooler weather and seeing the stars.  It's really nice to have the mountain so close.

We attended another birthday for a little girl who turned 6.  I love going to children's parties.  Allan is never really sure about it, but I know the fathers of the little girls are always relieved to see him and have someone to talk to through all the girlyness.  I went to this girls older sisters party earlier in the year.  Their mom does such a great job planning and executing these parties.  She has it down to an hour and a half with games, presents, lunch, and cake and ice cream.  She is a pro, and they are always so fun; the kids always have a blast. 

At this party I ate the first hot dog I have had in 13 or 14 years!  I'm not the biggest fan, but I did enjoy it.  One day I'm going to go back to Chicago and try a Chicago dog and discover what all the hype is about.

I finally finished the baby afghan  I was working on!  I had to take it out about 6 times (sheesh) but it's finally done!

I also made a mobile out of ribbon for our nursery.

I know the afghan and mobile are really girly.  We have felt for a long time that there is a little girl out there for us.  We were going to plan a neutral nursery, but we finally decided that we would embrace that feeling we have and plan a nursery for a little girl.  If we end up with a boy then we'll have a good laugh, celebrate, and then re-do the nursery.  Until then I plan on making it as girly as possible! ;)

We really enjoyed conference this weekend.  We love the extra cuddle time and the spiritual uplift.  I was especially touched by President Eyring's and Elder Oaks' talks.  After a lot of thought and prayer we decided not to do foster care at this time.  After hearing Elder Oaks talk we had to reconsider our decision.  There are so many children out there that need loving, nurturing homes, and we really want to provide that.  However, after much prayer again, the answer was still clearly no.  So, we will continue to wait.

Elder Eyring said "Many of us in moments of personal anguish feel that God is far from us.  The pavillion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God, but occasionally covers us. ...We can't insist on our timetable when the Lord has His own. ...Sometimes our insistance on acting according to our own timetable can obscure His will for us."

This talk was very fitted to me at this time.  The longer we wait the harder it is to accept God's will and timing.  And we've only been waiting for 4 years, we know many who have waited for 10 or more!  I certainly don't understand God's will and I have to admit that sometimes I just don't really like it.  But I know that is because I don't understand.  One day I will.  That will be a wonderful, long-awaited day.  Until then we are trying to take it one day at a time and trust God.  It's easier said then done, but He has never failed us yet.

Where did the time go?

I've been a slacker lately and haven't posted on this blog.  I know that you are all DYING to know what we've been up to lately...(heehee).  So without further ado, or excuses, (and of course there are many, good one's too), here is our update:

We started going to a Foster Care class.  The class is to learn about foster care and then certify if you so choose.  We're still not sure if we're ready for foster care but we have to make a decision soon.  Now, this doesn't mean that we are no longer hoping to adopt, in fact it means quite the opposite!  We are still HOPING TO ADOPT, (please tell everyone you know!) this would just be another avenue to find our child.

We took one of our favorite families out to eat in August.  Well, in to eat actually because one of their children was injured and couldn't leave the house.  It was a lot of fun though.  M (the little girl I once babysat) is part of this family.  We took orders on what kind of ice cream everyone wanted.  M changed her mind so many times that we actually ordered her two ice creams instead of one!  When the ice creams came she tasted the one she chose last and decided she didn't like it and then ate the other one.  Good thing we got both, she would have been very disappointed.  Her dad loves sweets and I'm pretty sure he was happy to have extra! ;)

I went to Utah to visit my family for a couple of weeks.  I was with my youngest sister, K6, and her new baby for a week and then Allan joined me at his parents home for 4 days.  It was so nice to be with family again.  I really enjoyed the baby time.

 She is the perfect little thing too.  She rarely cries or fusses and is very cuddly.  If only we could be so lucky when our time finally comes.  I really enjoyed talking with my sisters, K5 was there too, eating way more sweets than a person ever should, playing with K6's doggies, and shopping with K5.  It was very refreshing to have some sister time.  My mom and step-dad also came to visit while I was there and it was wonderful to see them as well.  They made us all jealous talking about their upcoming trip to Hawaii.  K6's in-laws came to visit too.  They are part of our family like another Aunt and Uncle and I loved seeing them.  And of course, I got to see K6's husband for a short time as well.  It was fun to see them together loving their new baby.  I am so happy for them!

Allan decided not to shave while I was gone.  His beard doesn't grow in evenly and he has several spots on his face that don't grow hair at all.  When he went to church on Sunday M saw him.  She looked at him for a while and then said "Look Mom, Allan has some hair here, and here, and here" pointing around the bald spots!  When our ward discovered that I was gone for the week they decided Allan must be fed!  They fed him VERY well too!

We had a blast with Allan's family.  We were there for his brother D's wedding.  It was a wonderful day.  D and his wife J (and all the family that helped) did a great job with the wedding.  It was beautiful.  J looked gorgeous, of course, and we are so happy to invite her into our family!  Some pictures:

The family with the Bride and Groom.

Allan and our nephew, H, had a grand old time playing together.  Allan was keeping him out of sight of his mom so that she could take some pictures.

  One of our nieces fell in love with their cake and made me take about 10 pictures of it!

I think my favorite part of the wedding though was sitting in the nursery with the kids and their parents. 

We went up to the mountain last weekend and had s'mores.  It was so nice to be outside where it was cool.  We found Butterfingers and Cookies and Cream bars that we could use for s'mores.  They were really good.  Much better than the normal milk chocolate!  I highly recommend using butterfingers!

We had a Relief Society activity this week in which we made 60 freezer meals in an hour!  We all took home 3 meals.  It was a great activity and now I have my freezer meals done for a couple of months!  Woohoo!

I babysat a little boy this week, D.  I've babysat him several times before.  He is the most docile child I have ever met.  He's the one that is happier when I ignore him.  This time I was making bread when he came over.  He was very upset, as always, when his mom left.  I helped him get his favorite toys out (my exercise ball and drum mallets) and then walked over to my mixer.  As soon as I turned it on he stopped crying and said "Ooooh!"  He was utterly amazed by the noise it made!  I got a kick out of turning it on and off and hearing his little ooooh's!  He actually played with me this time too!  We danced, read stories, turned the lights and the ceiling fan on and off, chased the exercise ball, played airplane on the ottoman, and drummed as many things as we could.  It was a very fun morning!

We went to M and L's to make sugar cookies this week.  I made them some of Grandma's sugar cookies when M broke her leg and since then their dad has been consistently asking us to teach them how to make them.  When we got there L came running up to me and said "Game? Game?"  He knows that when I come we always play games.  It was difficult to get him away from the games to make the cookies.  We really enjoyed making the cookies with the kids.  More than one of the children ended up covered in flour.  At the end of the evening when it was time to go little L climbed up in my lap, looked at his parents and said "Bye" with a big grin on his face.  They said "Oh, are you going home with Allan and Kami?"  and he promptly said "YES!"  What a cutie!

We went to the children's play this week for our date.  They did Oliver Twist.  As always it was very cute!  We were glad to support some of the girls in our ward and see them perform.  It's so fun to see the children's joy and pride in themselves.

Allan went to a boy scout camporee this weekend.  The boys did a great job in the competitions and received a first place ribbon!  Allan said it was a success because nobody got injured!

I really enjoyed the General Relief Society Broadcast on Saturday.  The new presidency's testimonies of the Savior were beautiful and very comforting.  President Eyring said in his talk that "the Lord's path for you will be marked by Him in the service you give to others." (that is not a direct quote)  I, like so many others, love to give service and I have seen the Lord's path for me take shape many times as I have served or been served by others.  What a great promise from a prophet of God.

Last week in Primary I did  "Punch It".  M's mom made the punch it board when she was the chorister a couple of years ago and gave it to me recently.  The kids loved it.  The boys especially loved punching through the tissue paper as hard as they could!

Today we practiced for the Primary Program and then had an extra long singing time combined with the older children.  I brought bubble wrap, it's a favorite, and combined that with the ribbon dancing, instruments, and bean bags.  It was quite the day in primary.  The kids had a blast though.  They were so excited they kept quietly sneaking up to pop a bubble on the bubble wrap!  One of the sunbeams was trying his hardest to follow me in the ribbon dance.  When I flung my ribbon up over my head though it was a little too much for him.  He flung his ribbon up so far that he fell over backwards and landed on his back on the floor!  He wasn't injured but he was very startled and looked at me like "What did you do that for!"  When we were playing the instruments he drummed his little stick so vigorously that it broke in half!  Poor little guy.  It was a rough day for him.  I always get a good laugh out of primary, it never, ever fails!

Still Looking

We are no longer expecting a baby in November.

Our caseworker told us on Monday that K feels uncomfortable with her decision and she wants to take some time to look at other options.

Of course we are heartbroken.  Adoption is really, really hard.  We wish K the best and we hope that she will still consider us as she searches for answers.

For us it is time to move forward and start searching again.  Please let everyone know that we are hoping to adopt: your friends, family, and neighbors, your hairdresser, your Bishop and Relief Society, the guy sitting next to you on the bus....you never know who might know someone who is looking for a couple to place their child with.

Thank you all for your love and support, and your help on our journey to grow our family.

Sweet Baby P

K6 and baby P.  Both mom and baby are doing well, and don't they both just look beautiful!

P was born via c-section on Aug 19th.  She is 7 lbs 14 oz and 20.5 in long!  That's a very big baby for our family!

Happy Birthday to Our New Niece, P!

My sister, K6, and her husband K welcomed their baby girl P today!  She is niece number 5 for us!  I am so excited to meet her in a couple of weeks!

Today in primary we had a competition between the boys and the girls.  One little boy got REALLY into it.  He is 5 years old.  When it was the boys turn  to sing he popped up out of his chair, stood as stiff as a board with one foot slightly in front of the other like he was braced for impact, tilted his head back, opened his mouth as wide as he could, and didn't stop making noise until the song was over.  His intensity was so great that he was actually shaking!  He knew about half of the words so the rest of the time he just sang a combination of AAAAAAH and UUUUUUUH.  I was laughing so hard I kept messing up leading and messed up on some of the words even though I could see them!  The boys definitely won for noise but the girls knew the words much better.

We got to visit with some friends this Tuesday that moved away last year.  It was so fun to see them and meet their brand new baby girl.  She is gorgeous and I am totally jealous! ;)

On Wednesday our stake had a dance for the 12 and 13 year olds.  Because Allan holds a calling with the Deacons we got to go to the dance.  Woohoo!  It was a lot of fun!  We enjoyed going out and learning the new line dances and showing off our foxtrot.  I did the Macarena for the first time since Jr. High!  The boys in our ward had been given a challenge to ask 5 girls to dance - if they did then they got ice cream at their next activity.  It was so funny to watch these cute boys, some who had just turned 12, circle the room every time a slow song came on with terror on their faces.  You could see them trying to get up enough courage to ask, and desperately trying to find a girl that wasn't in a large group so that it was a little less intimidating.  I am happy to say that all of the boys will be getting ice cream on Wednesday!

We went to the Temple on Thursday and had a wonderful evening there.  It is so comforting to have a Temple so close and be able to go whenever we feel like we need a spiritual boost.

Saturday we woke up at 3:07am (quite literally) to drive to an adoption conference in Phoenix.   We really enjoyed the conference - as always - and we got to see K and M there too, which of course was an added bonus.  At the conference we talked about infertility and grieving, experiencing a failed placement, special needs adoption and the services provided to help in these cases, openness in adoption, ideas to help find your child, adoption laws, what to expect at the hospital and at placement, and had an adoptee panel and birthmother panel.

It's always so nice to know that we aren't alone in our grief and fears.  It's a relief to talk about these things with people who are going through the same thing as you.  We always leave feeling uplifted and grateful that we came.

We really enjoyed the adoptee and birthmother panels.  The adoptees that spoke this time all had closed adoptions to begin with.  They have all always known that they were adopted.  One still has a closed adoption and has found comfort and understanding in talking with one of her siblings birthmothers. Another one is now open; he was married with children when he found a letter from his birthmother in his parents things.  He said that he feels he has mostly benefited from learning about the health history of his birth family.  The last is about 9 years old; he talked about how he always wondered about his birth family and how great it has been to have a relationship with them, and he really likes that he knows where his red hair came from!  (What a cutie!)

It was of course wonderful to hear from the birthmothers.  They talked about how they came to choose adoption, find their families, the grieving process, and how they have begun to move forward.  They also talked about what a blessing it has been to see their children so happy and in a family that loves them and can give them so many opportunities.  It was obvious that they found joy in the choice that they made.  It is still hard for them though.

That's the funny thing about adoption.

It is hard for the birthmom every day.  From the moment they discover they are pregnant (and sometimes before that) it is hard, and it doesn't stop being hard.  Being content with your decision doesn't make it any easier.

It's hard for the adoptive couples every day.  From the moment they discover they can't get pregnant (and sometimes before that) it is hard, and it doesn't stop being hard.  Even after adopting children the pain of infertility is always there.

But fortunately by being a blessing to each other we can find peace and be happy, even in the hard.

Catching up...

July 24 - Allan has been inviting a friend from work to come to church with him all summer.  The Elders finally tracted into him and scheduled an appointment.  Allan had the opportunity to go with them and teach him a little more about the church.  It didn't really go anywhere, but it was a great experience and a huge blessing from the Lord.

July 27 - Allan went on a camp out with the Deacons (the 12 year old boys) in our ward.  It decided to rain all night long that night, but they managed not to get too wet even with the holes in the tent.  They went fishing the next day and caught several fish. The biggest accomplishment though was that nobody got seriously hurt.

While Allan was gone I babysat 3 little girls ages 3, 5, and 7.  The two older girls are super shy and will rarely speak or acknowledge others in public.  I was expecting them to be more comfortable at home but still have a relatively quiet night.  When I came to their house they were their normal shy selves.  Then their parents left.... It was like opening the flood gates!  As soon as their parents were out the door they started talking all at once and didn't stop until after I put them to bed!  They showed me all of their favorite toys and books and read some books to me, played hide and go seek, the My Little Pony game, and High Ho Cherry Oh, and then I read them some bedtime stories - all while they talked my ears off!  It was a blast, and I hope I get to watch them again in the future.  Our last round of hide and go seek I thought I'd make it easy on them and hide behind the kitchen curtains.  They are very thin and there isn't any space behind them so I thought they'd see the form of my body...and my feet and ankles poking out the bottom.  That turned out to be the best spot imaginable!  They searched and searched for me and finally resorted to yelling my name saying they couldn't find me (while they were standing in the kitchen!).  It took all I had not to bust out laughing.  I started to move the curtains back and forth.  It took them a while to see it and then one of them said very calmly "Oh look.  The curtains are moving.  I wonder if she could be behind them."  And then they talked about how it must be me because the sliding glass door wasn't open and there wasn't a fan on, then they came and moved the curtains.  Now I know that the best place to hide in hide and go seek is the place I think will be most obvious!

July 30 - We got a call asking if we could do Foster Care Respite for two little girls ages 2 and 1.  We would care for them 24/7 Aug 5-11.  We would need to get certified in a week.  We said yes.  I know, we're crazy, but we thought it would be fun and a good chance to see how child friendly our house is!

August 2 - We found out that they found someone else that was already certified for respite care.  We were bummed and relieved because that week was going to be busy for us anyway.

August 4 - I went to a 2yr old's birthday party and had a water fight with some little ones.  So fun!

August 5 - For Primary we did the Olympics.  I can't take any credit for this (or really anything else I do since I get most of my ideas from other people's blogs) because the Primary President started this with the kids on the last Sunday in July.  She gave me all of her stuff, and I continued it this week.  It was super cute and a ton of fun.  I chose different children to be judges for each event, and they really enjoyed telling us if we got a gold, silver, or bronze medal.  I am happy to report that we got mostly Gold medals!  Woot! Woot!  It also gave me a good idea about what songs and verses the children knew best and which we need to work on some more.

August 7 - I helped a friend clean out a little old ladies house.  She has recently been moved to a nursing home to get better care.  Always fun to serve!

August 8 - We made a trip to Phoenix to visit K and go to a birthmother support group with her.  It was an amazing experience, and I wish that I could go every time they have one.  These women have gone through quite the trials, and I am so amazed at their strength and faith to overcome.  We really enjoyed seeing K and her mom again and are excited to spend some more time with her on the 18th.  More on this in another post.

August 9 - Helped a friend clean her house.  She's pregnant and super sick.  That morning her little boy got stung by a scorpion!  Poor little guy.  So I went over and helped her clean up a little to see if we could find (and get rid of) any other scorpions that might be lurking about.  We didn't find any, but her house looked great afterward, and since her son was on benadryl and slept most of the day, she got a much needed rest that evening.

August 10 - For the first time in several years Allan beat me at checkers!  It was a monumental occasion and (although I was sad to end my winning streak) we had a great celebration for him.  Streamers, brownies, ice cream, a parade.....just kidding.  I did wish him a hearty congratulations though!

August 11 - We re-stocked our food storage and now have a full 6 month supply.  Woohoo!  Now to figure out how to put it all away....

Present - Today in primary we worked on the second verse of I'm Trying to be like Jesus.  I found a really cute idea on sugardoodle.net and promptly stole it (or used it rather).  One of the children came up and looked at themselves in a mirror and then at a picture of Jesus and told what they had in common - two eyes, a nose, etc...   and then I asked all of the children in general "Who has two eyes like Jesus", etc.  They were all so excited that they looked like Jesus.  I talked to them about doing good things so they would look like Jesus in their countenances.  Then I used that idea to learn the song asking them to listen for ways to do good things and be like Jesus.  At one point I asked "What are some lessons Jesus teaches us?"  The little girl I used to babysit, M, says "Don't go outside, you have to not go outside alone when your mom doesn't know."  A couple of questions later I asked "What do we need to watch for?" (the song says watch for the day of gladness...) and M says "Watch out to not go outside alone when your mom doesn't know."  Little M must have gotten into some trouble this weekend and it was fresh on her mind!  The kids had a lot of fun and I think they learned the song pretty well.  I lost my voice about half way through though so we'll see how they do next week.

I also subbed for the 6 year old class today which was a lot of fun.  But, I forgot to give them the snack their teacher asked me to give them.  Oops.

The lesson in Deacons Quorum this week was on respecting women.  The brother who was teaching the class asked "How can you respect women?" One of the deacons promptly answered "Just listen and keep your mouth shut!"  the only other answer was "Obey".  Sounds like they'll do well in life.  Haha! Also, just to prove that they are boys, when asked what their mothers do for them, most of their answers had something to do with how their mothers feed them. Speaking of that, I need to go feed Allan.:)