Open Adoption

We went to an adoption conference last weekend.  One of my favorite things at these conferences is hearing from the birthmothers.  I am always so touched by their stories and so amazed at their selflessness.  One of the biggest concerns that people have about adoption that we have come across is open adoption.  We have heard that it is co-parenting with the birthparents, that it will be confusing to the child, that the birthparents may be a bad influence in our child's life, and many other negative opinions.  I wish that everyone could go to one of these conferences and hear the birthparents and adoptive parents talk about open adoption.  I don't think that everyone would be convinced that it's a good idea for them personally, but I do think that people would come to understand that open adoption is about loving the child and doing what is best for them.

First, all of the birthparents I have heard, spoken to, or read the blogs of (about 10 birthmoms and 1 birthdad) have all expressed their gratitude for the adoptive parents and how they are raising their children.  These women, and the one man, all have varying degrees of openness in their adoptions.  For example, one  adoptive family is so open with their birthmother that they allow her to babysit their children and they go on vacations with her.  On the other end of the spectrum there is a birthmom who receives letters and pictures a few times a year and sends gifts to her child as well as the other children in the adoptive couple's family.  Most of them receive emails and pictures once or twice a month, some receive phone calls, and some visit every so often.  None of them co-parent.  None of them (including the adoptive couples) have said that their children have been confused about the relationship.

Second, not one of these women (or the man) have mentioned ever not wanting the child.  They love the children they gave life to.  Many of them simply wanted their child to have both a father and mother in a stable marriage.  Some felt unready to parent or did not want to.  But all of them express very clearly their love for their children.  That is why they placed them for adoption.  Not because they were not wanted.  Not because they didn't feel like they could do a good job as a parent.  Because they wanted their child to have more than they could give.  What a selfless and wonderful thing to do for someone.  All of the birthmothers go through a lot of grieving and mourning, but not one of them has said that they regret their decision. 

There are challenges that come with open adoption, just like in any relationship.  But there are a lot of really positive things too.  The child knows (s)he was wanted and loved by his/her birthparents.  That his/her parents wanted him/her and love him/her.  (S)He knows who (s)he looks like, his/her family medical information, and his/her family history.  Whenever (s)he has questions (s)he can go to the direct source of the answers and not have to wonder.  As a hopeful adoptive parent it gives me so much peace that my child will always be able to have his/her questions answered.  Both Allan and I feel that, in most situations, the blessings will far outweigh any difficulties that may arise.

We are looking forward to having an open adoption and getting to know the birthparent(s) of our children.